Full Moon over South Park, or When Nature Calls be Reasonable People.

Lately we have been going to Pinon Rock via US285 and Colorado Hwy 9. This is a nice drive when leaving from downtown as long as you travel in daylight, because as the sun sets the deer come out along the road and it can be a slow trip waiting for a critter to run out and become a grill ornament or worst yet a rider in the front seat.

On most evening there are a fair number of people out on this road at folks head from the city to homes within commuting distance in the mountains. Marlys even knows someone that commutes from Fairplay, which is just south of Breckenridge over Hoosier Pass.

The traffic drops off the further you get from Denver and by the time we turn south on SH9 it is getting to be pretty sparse. Even so there will be folks going by every now and then.

So back to reason for the post.

Once you get past Hartsel there will be no “improved” rest stops until the Royal Gorge on US50. This can be a long time to “hold it” if you know what I mean.

When nature is the only rest stop available, there are certain protocols that come into play around, which a number of techniques have been developed.

Let’s cover a few as I review a motorist that failed in all regards during Friday’s drive home.

As we came up a hill during the transition from Park to Fremont Counties there was a Chevy Suburban in a pullout on the side or the road. In looking at the rig we noticed a full moon staring at us. I believe the actual moon phase forecast for that evening was waxing crescent.

This moon was full and at the right rear corner of the parked SUV. Because it is a two laner we normally have the lights on, which added to the glare.

I guess the mooner wanted to see if it was anyone she knew, so she looked over her shoulder at us, the moonees. I assume it was a she, due to the male/female center of gravity thing, and the lack of dangling appendages.

This scene was wrong on many different levels.

The location; folks everyone knows that you pull over where you have a good view of the road both to the front and the back, so that in the event that some should drive by you can stop, stand, pull up your pants, and walk around looking like you lost something (your humanity?), until the vehicle drives by and the purging can resume.

Also it is best to pull off where there is a low likelihood that someone else would pull over thinking it is a proper pull off, to ask directions or something, prolonging the purging interruptus.

So pick a place well off the road with only room for one vehicle…not a pull off which invites others to join, this is experience best not turned into a community activity.

The pull-off; this is the Pike National Forest for Pete’s sake (don’t know Pete, but people seem to be concerned about him), pull off where there are trees to block the process from the rest of us. I know, depending on the type of need this can be one of “life’s little pleasures”, BUT ONLY FOR YOU, it cannot and should not be shared.

In reference to the vehicle; don’t go to either end to do your business that gives us, the traveling public, a 50% chance of knowingly being a party to this situation. I suppose there is a math wiz that will dispute this based on the likelihood of the vehicle coming from a certain direction, BUT YOU GET MY POINT. We would rather be a party to the event.

Also, shut the driver’s door, it only takes a nano-second. When you leave it open and are not standing there, it draws peoples attention, wondering what’s going on, did something happen, should we stop to provide assistance (please no).

The reaction to getting caught; don’t look over your shoulder! We are embarrassed enough sharing this occasion, recognition on either party’s part will serve no good purpose.

What it we do recognize the profile, can you imagine our next meeting? Saw you as we were driving in last Friday, you should really get that mole looked at? There is no good end (pun) to this conversation.

OK, enough of the review, lets hit on a couple of technique points for those of you who have not though this through prior to the spirit moving you, at which time rational decision making is long past.

As mentioned previously it’s all about; location, location, location. This will be the foundation on which the subsequent decisions will be based.

Sure it’s cute to see a parent assisting their child on the side of the road, but folks a 50 year olds posterior hanging out is a whole different situation.

Pick a place with some modicum of privacy. If it’s not complete privacy, that’s OK, at least it shows the traveling public that you were thinking of them and tried.

If you pick a road pull off be sure to do a 360 before commencing, as out here in the woods it may be a driveway, and someone may come out to greet you. Hopefully, the greeter will be human and not canine, ranch dogs tend to raise a sink, when a sink is being made. Worst yet a big hi there sniff and lick greeting from the fore mentioned canine could be disconcerting in your current pose.

If the only privacy screen available is the vehicle, hopefully it is a 4-door. Open the ditch side front and rear doors and use them as side screen, which along with the vehicle provides 3 sides of protection. It won’t be pretty for any passengers, but they are lower in priority then the innocent bystanders on the road.

The more advanced roadside users also understand where altitude comes into play; don’t squat to low, especially if you drive a SUV or a truck. Remember we share the road with folks driving small/sports cars that are not proctologist, and therefore could be “shocked and awed” by the view beneath the running boards.

I also recommend a perpendicular alignment to vehicle with the business end of things pointed away. The purgers (or should it be purgee?) facial Technicolor display, as it goes from red to purple to done will provide a little consolation entertainment for any passengers that may be captive witness’ to this natural eruption.

Finally, if caught in the act, with no where to hide, finish up, stand up and take a bow, accept applause if offered, because you just gave someone the gift of a story that will be told for years to come.